Cinema Snob/Quotes

[beat] Wait a minute, no I won't! Snob: Mr. Mayor, your misogyny gets me so hard. [shows a freeze-frame of Mac Dowell grinning] Yep. That's the look of a man who has the bright idea to stick a flower in a guy's ass. Snob: No, no, he was just asking if you wanted Moral Orel on DVD. Snob: The world is changing, kid. The internet is changing. Even if we survive this witch hunt, we can't chase the Zeitgeist forever. JesuOtaku: [runs in excitedly] Oh my god you guys, I won a car! [beat] JesuOtaku: I don't check my mail that often. Critic: Cinema Snob, fill her in. Snob: Alright, you're gonna LOVE this... Snob: Um... according to this little red light that means "no"... uh... no.
 * I know what type of place this is! IT'S A BUILDING!
 * "Creepozoids"
 * We all certainly remember the classic Danny Elfman Batman theme! Yeah! This isn't it! [zany music plays during the film's opening credits]
 * "Italian Batman"
 * When you know what E.T's asshole looks like and what the word "Conchadunga" means... yeah... it could be a LOT worse.
 * "Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy"
 * In case you missed it, Chester's initials are C.N.T. He's missing a fuckin' vowel.
 * "Tales from the Quadead Zone"
 * [the scene cuts to a cemetery] Oh, the movie passed away.
 * "The Corpse Grinders"
 * [imitating Morgan Freeman] I wish I could tell you that Zorro fought the good fight and that Ricky let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no Miyazaki fairy tale world.
 * "Riki-Oh: the Story of Ricky"
 * And there you have the first onscreen appearance by the My Buddy doll.
 * "The Sinful Dwarf"
 * If I want to see a real Aliens rip-off then I will stick with Bruno Mattei's Terminator 2, thank you very much.
 * "Alien 2: On Earth"
 * Wait, I'm sorry, is this movie supposed to be the fucking origin story of The Powerpuff Girls? I forgot that Professor Utonium used sugar, spice, everything nice and fucking severed body parts!
 * "The Body Shop"
 * Mayor: Dick tells me you shut that beach tighter than a virgin's cunt.
 * "Gums"
 * Is that little shit giving me the finger? Well, right back at you, Baby Bob!
 * "Maniac"
 * Eaugh! I do not feel like fucking something!
 * "Hardgore"
 * I'll stick with real woodchipper movies - like "Fargo", thank you very much.
 * "Woodchipper Massacre"
 * Where does this movie take place? Whatever, I'm just going to assume it takes place in Buck Owen's ball sac.
 * "Redneck Zombies"
 * Warning, it's I Spit on Your Grave!
 * "I Spit on Your Grave (Part 1)"
 * No, honey, listen - we need to have sex RIGHT NOW. I'm feeling very confused.
 * "Sadomania"
 * Ahh! Look! There's a drill in my head! Aren't you TOTALLY convinced that there's a drill in my head?
 * "Las Vegas Bloodbath"
 * [first lines] I hate kids.
 * "Beware! Children at Play!"
 * Yeah, it's just like Kill Bill, if Kill Bill were a 1984 James Cameron film called The Terminator! And who uses the word oodles?
 * "Lady Terminator"
 * Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.
 * "The Refrigerator"
 * [humps air to the sound of coins] This! Is How! You Make! A Fucking! Porn! Parody!
 * "Super Hornio Bros."
 * If this movie had any less of a point, it'd be a sphere!
 * "Pink Flamingos"
 * If I want to watch a Terminator II movie, I'll watch real Terminator II movies like Terminator 2, thank you very much.
 * "Bruno Mattei's Terminator II"
 * Trivia note: McDowell actually ad-libbed the bit with the flower, and it's kind of amazing watching the gears work in his head as it hits him to do that to this actor. I think it was right about... here.
 * Oh no, you can't stick an entire pole up there! Can you really make a featherwheel like that? You know, a Roman sex swing looks like a really inconvenient way to get a blowjob! Is that... is that a fucking snake?
 * "Caligula (Part I)"
 * He was a dissolve cut all along! [camera pans down] ...and he pooped.
 * Fine, fine, I'll have sex with you twenty-year-old schoolgirls.
 * "Satan's School for Girls"
 * Merry Christmas, the Nazis win.
 * Santa: I said oral. [girl attacks him]
 * "Elves"
 * [an advertisement plays with the movie] Why yes, the movie does make me want to have phone sex. How did you know?
 * Good thing they're flying away now, as the town looks like it's been hit with extreme radiation.
 * [at the end of the movie, the word "Son" appears on screen] I am not your fucking son.
 * "Badi (The Turkish E.T.)"
 * Did I just watch the original Let's Play?
 * The only difference between these two movies is that in Blood Rage, I don't get to see Body By Jake acting like a fucking nutbar!
 * Hey! He just did you a favor - he stopped you from drinking a whole thing of Old Style!
 * "Blood Rage"
 * Luke: You really think our time is at its end?
 * Critic: Oh come on, when have I ever lied to any of you guys?
 * Critic: Cinema Snob, can we fire back?
 * To Boldly Flee
 * The movie stars popular character actor Ward Bond presumably because he's the closest actor they could find whose name sounds a little like war bond.
 * [last lines] Ward Bond shot down an airplane, shaved Hitler, and called him "toots". This was a good week.
 * [first lines] Say boys, who wants to help me give Hitler a knuckle sammich?
 * "Hilter: Dead or Alive"